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30 June 2017 @ 03:51 am
It dawns on me that keeping track of the things that happens in your life should be kept equal, on all days where you feel miser, days where you feel like doing nothing at all, motivated, mediocre, dull, average, whatever.

These days I've been great.

Or maybe I should rephrase that? These days I've been fairly awesome.

In contrast to my last post, I'm think I'm in a happier place right now. I know that's what people say when addressing a deceased, but who's to say that people who had passed really did acquire happiness somewhere above the clouds? Things had looked up for me, I'm happy, and that's what is, and I'm gonna tell you that.

The other day before I left for Thailand, I looked at a really happy family (or what seems to be) having breakfast together two tables away from mine. The kid was about 3 years old, and the parents are approximately in their late twenties. It's an instant feeling, but I had this immediate thought that, "I don't want to be like them; I don't want to lead that life," and I left the country without a change of opinion. The only question was why? Why didn't I want that life? When I was in teenage days, I had this crazy, pre-planned, wonderous idea: 'ok I'm going to date, marry at 24ish, 26ish and have a kid by 28ish. wow, that's great. ok I'm going to do just that.' I think it's either I'm not ready for anything real yet, not so much of that I didn't want to fit in the norm, although some of the reason does stem from the latter. Normalcy is a bore, but I don't exactly want to go out of my way to be different just because. That'll be superficial of me.

However, that life seemed to have had been ingrained from a very young age. "So this is what you should do," "this is what you should become," "that's what most people do," blah blah blah. I respect that, props to you, but what if I didn't want to be any of that? What if I didn't want to settle? What if I didn't want to have a kid? What if I jump from bed to bed and never stay commited to one?

These days I've been saying, "who cares?!" a whole lot. I probably should do that a lot more.

My dad once said that when we all get older and if we ever bump to each other on the streets, whatever exchanges you'd make won't be of your monetary possessions, nor your status at work, but what you actually have primarily, meaning things like relationships: how many kids you have, how old are they, which schools are they enrolled in, are those achieving schools, how about trophies, are they achieving A's for their exams?

...How about wanting to know if I've been happy? What about a seemingly simple thought that now becomes selfish: me? Will they ever care about me anymore? More importantly, will I ever care about myself anymore? When you have kids, the world that used to revolve around an individual, instantaneously gets switched to them. If I had a child, sure, I'd probably love them to bits, but would I be prepared to sacrifice my entire world for them? If I'm a mum, definitely. Now at only 23, that could be a little bit scary and I'm not too sure.

Others had told me that maybe it's because I've not gotten to that age yet, some others told me that I simply haven't met the one yet. My sister told me maybe I had commitment issues.

But what if I just didn't want to chase those dreams that a majority are chasing? While we're at this, are they sure of what exactly are they chasing? or are they simply going through the motions, just because a ton of others did the same? I would never know.

There's a lot of things to uncover about yourself, but some people would never get the chance to fully realise what lies under for they already have another world to tend to. Of course, that's just my thought and things might have a change in the future, but I don't see that happening to me soon.

I don't think there are other news that I follow except for yahoo news, and though it's not that great of a site to browse through news (since the articles are mostly half-written and have tendency to abruptly ends: "investigations are underway.") I stumbled upon an article regarding the gay community in Singapore, some happy with just them, and others with a few kids. The comment section sickens me to the gut at how harsh other citizens can be. What exactly is 'morally wrong,' and who has the right to say anything in a relationship that isn't theirs? Why is being different not okay? How is sodomization bad? Why is that a problem? What is normal? Exactly who normalized normalcy?

Why do people have issues with the less important?

Then there is the question on whether LGBT community should have the right to adopt/have kids. For me, although I believe that being non-heterosexual has a possibility to be inbuilt since birth, I have qualms about it being influenced as well. What I observed is that netizens have a tendency to lean towards the latter, and that's why they are dead set against gay people with kids because the "kids would later on have the mindset that being that way is okay," but then again, why not? copy+paste: What is normal?

Normalcy is subjective.

I have yet to come to a conclusion regarding the issue, but ultimately what really matters isn't our opinion but their choice -that you would never have the right to influence upon. Nobody owes anyone a living.

I've always listened to whatever my sister played on the radio, whatever sounded 'right' to my ears went into my own playlist.

When I discovered my own preference in music, it was more than sounding right, it sounded fitting like god damn puzzle pieces. The screaming in the music seems like all I've ever felt, all I wanted to do -it more or less represents what's in my mind. Although they've been in the industry for a really crazy amount of time, I was a late fan for most of them, so late that MCR had already been splitted 4 years ago. However, music doesn't have an expiry date; good music will still sound amazing if you had the ears for them.

So I've really been into pop-punk/punk-rock and I don't want to sound emotional and say that the music saved me, but at one point these groups/music truly had given me strength or simply gotten me through some really dark/unhappy times which I might not had been able to get out of if not for them.

There were two things that made me really extremely elated:

1. I've received news that I'm a full registered optometrist a few days ago, and I'm happy because I felt like I ended what was supposed to be done, and I'm satisfied with how I managed through a dream that wasn't mine in the beginning, what I didn't want to do but let it suffice and carry on with it because I didn't want to leave things open-ended. I've completed what was supposed to be done, and although I no longer felt the need to carry on in this pretense, in a job, not a career, I'm pretty satisfied with a phase that was difficult and one that gave me a few bad memories.

2. I found a long-lost dream that I had always wanted to do, but kept buried for the fact that it wouldn't be realistic, that there wasn't enough demand, that I wasn't talented enough, that I'm afraid to venture, but discovering that gerard way traded microphone for paintbrushes prompted me to do what I now had to do. Of course, if my mum ever found out that the only reason that pushed me to this crazy decision was an ex-singer of a pop-punk band, she'll lose faith in me, not that she had much of that in me in the beginning.

When others start off with the sentence, "it's not that I'm trying to discourage you, but," -well, you can stop right there because that's exactly what you are going to do. Thus, I don't really want to discuss the idea of my dream unless I trust the person, and I would never expect anyone to believe in me, for I believe in myself and I'm happy.

I have a glimmer of hope in me and nobody else have the capability to destroy it.

"If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it."
Current Music: eraser -ed sheeran
05 June 2017 @ 02:25 am
In short, January 2017 till May 2017 were the hardest of months for me. A finger can trace the rim of a glass wine, but its owner would never allow it to touch the liquid. A person however, loses sight of himself and falls vulnerable, trotting around the edge of despair. I was like that.

Despite everything and what hell of a ride I've been through, I understand that a human can only withstand that much. You'd end up at the rocks somewhere during your lifetime just so to understand the enjoyment of dreams, stardust, and wonder.

Anyhow, I just want to point out that nobody did fish me out of the currents, but a few songs did throw me a float in time.

"It feels like fourteen carats but no clarity," - 20 dollar nosebleed by fall out boy
"The kids aren't alright," -The kids aren't alright by fall out boy
"I've got troubled thoughts and a self esteem to match," -what a catch, donnie by fall out boy
"I'm not okay, and it's not alright," -drown by bring me the horizon
"Just shine a light into the wreckage, so far away away," -still breathing by green day
"I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone," -famous last words by my chemical romance
"What's the worst that I can say? Things are better if I stay," -helena by my chemical romance
"Where we're from, there's no sun," -hometown by twenty one pilots
"Sometimes you’ve got to bleed to know, That you're alive and have a soul. But it takes someone to come around to show you how," -tear in my heart by twenty one pilots
"Gangsters don’t cry, Therefore, therefore I’m, Mr. Misty-eyed, therefore I’m. Can you save, Can you save my, Can you save my heavy dirty soul?" -heavy dirty soul by twenty one pilots
"I’ve been thinking too much, Help me," -ride by twenty one pilots
"I'm falling, so I'm taking my time on my ride," -ride by twenty one pilots
"We used to play pretend, used to play pretend, money. We used to play pretend, wake up, you need the money. We used to play pretend, used to play pretend, money. We used to play pretend, wake up, you need the money. We used to play pretend, give each other different names, We would build a rocket ship and then we'd fly it far away, Used to dream of outer space but now they're laughing at our face, Saying, "Wake up, you need to make money." Yo! "
"Though I’m weak and beaten down, I’ll slip away into this sound, The ghost of you is close to me, I’m inside-out, you're underneath," -goner by twenty one pilots
"Do or die, you'll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Go and try, you'll never break me
We want it all, we wanna play this part
I won't explain or say I'm sorry
I'm unashamed, I'm gonna show my scars
Give a cheer for all the broken,
" -welcome to the black parade by my chemical romance

*most of TØP's songs were covers by Austin Jones.

Guess I'll survive this mess.